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  • Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age. "
    — Groucho Marx


    JJ20paws
    December 31, 2015, 10:28 am
    When did you grow the 'stache?
    maradnu
    April 5, 2017, 2:20 pm
    He was born with it
    lertsek
    June 29, 2018, 6:12 pm
    It could be said that cavemen were born at a very early age.
    Persephone59
    April 8, 2019, 8:39 pm
    I hadn't seen this one before. Nice chuckle.
    badbob
    June 22, 2019, 7:07 am
    his best quote IMHO is "i would never join an organization that would accept me as a member"

    Comment


    • "Silence is one of the hardest arguments to refute. "
      — Josh Billings

      PianoManGidley
      February 17, 2011, 11:53 am
      Kill the silence. SILENCE! I KILL YOU!!
      saipanwriter
      September 15, 2014, 1:24 am
      Used by passive aggressive individuals...
      QuexUl
      November 14, 2014, 1:30 pm
      .......
      LLapp
      April 18, 2015, 2:34 pm
      I always think very loud dish-washing is an excellent rebuttal.
      universalmom
      May 25, 2015, 3:54 pm
      LLapp, that's a great idea
      abra
      July 13, 2015, 10:38 am
      I am sometimes accused of loud dish washing or emptying of the dishwasher, When I am innocent of the crime.
      LLapp
      May 28, 2016, 7:06 pm
      Omigosh, there's a community of loud dish-washing! How reassuring.
      Wordigo
      May 22, 2020, 11:52 am
      Careful. Loud dishwashing can turn into dish crashing and eventually into dish trashing.
      hrossa
      April 10, 2021, 10:33 pm
      Loud dishwashing is not all that informative. Unless the message is, I'm washing dishes and you're not!
      LLapp
      July 2, 2021, 4:30 am
      Actually, that often IS the message.

      Comment


      • "Spouse: someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single."
        — Unattributed


        fishbum
        November 4, 2013, 8:36 am
        Heh-heh.
        abra
        September 5, 2015, 12:04 pm
        Nah.
        ronasid
        September 22, 2015, 1:09 pm
        Scouse: Someone who'll never let you walk alone
        marnita
        September 24, 2015, 3:14 pm
        I definitely have had a lot less trouble since I took up with my spouse.
        Highpoint
        December 27, 2015, 7:07 pm
        Marnita, same with me. I've had a lot less trouble since you took up with your spouse.
        abra
        August 7, 2016, 2:54 pm
        I was just saying the other day, that it was a real turning point in my life, when marnita took up with her spouse.
        kb83
        July 26, 2018, 6:38 am
        Sounds like Ambrose Bierce.
        jbb33054
        December 23, 2018, 12:46 pm
        83
        djgoossen
        May 15, 2020, 12:37 pm
        I've always had troubles after acquiring a spouse. Probably because it's always someone else's spouse.
        318WOZ
        February 27, 2021, 8:23 am
        Funny coincidence. I was just addressing the general assembly the other day, and the topic was troubles I no longer have after Marnita took up with her spouse.
        hrossa
        April 24, 2021, 3:16 pm
        I'm thankful for Marnita's spouse, myself.
        blueladyblue
        August 17, 2021, 8:12 pm
        Let's all hope marnita doesn't take down her spouse.
        gryhnd51
        December 19, 2021, 3:28 am
        Marnita, I love your spouse ALMOST as much as I love mine! You folks are just too funny sometimes...

        Comment


        • "The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him." - Robert Benchley


          bansaisequoia
          July 10, 2010, 3:31 am
          Robert Benchley's a monkey! Robert Benchley's a monkey!

          montyb
          February 21, 2012, 10:36 pm
          May I quote you on that?

          Barnabas
          December 4, 2012, 9:08 pm
          Most of the time, calling me a monkey is an insult to the monkey.

          henrietta
          July 24, 2013, 3:58 am
          ...ah, but it works!

          marnita
          June 7, 2015, 11:50 am
          A lot of monkeys on this site!

          montyb
          December 28, 2016, 7:59 am
          "Oo, oo! Ee, ee!" And you may quote me.

          Comment


          • "I doubt that imagination can be suppressed. If you truly eradicated it in a child, he would grow up to be an eggplant."
            — Ursula K. Le Guin


            reader4
            September 15, 2011, 5:02 am
            This comes from Life Magazine, vol. 10, 1987. I think it's a misquote. (Begin quote) If the imagination is suppressed, Le Guin writes in "[Why Are Americans Afraid of] Dragons," humans will mature physically but will remain at worst "eggplants" and at best stunted and unhappy people afraid of anything "childish" or "untrue." (End quote) From "The Language Of The Night" by Ursula K. Le Guin and Susan Wood, 1980.
            kjmcaj
            May 1, 2013, 8:34 pm
            68 seconds.
            Allen
            August 1, 2013, 1:42 pm
            Actually she got it wrong: dragons are afraid of eggplants.
            montyb
            March 2, 2014, 4:46 am
            Eggplants are fearless. That's why they terrify me so.
            kb83
            January 7, 2015, 5:14 am
            So eggplants are rootless?
            dovid1946
            February 24, 2015, 4:26 am
            My two kids are named artichoke ( we call him art for short) and broccoli ( he's art's bro). We stopped there but the next one would have been named carrot ( short for carrot top) if she turned out to be a red head
            dovid1946
            May 8, 2015, 8:36 am
            I apologize for writing the drivel on 2-24. Maybe I was under the influence of drugs at the time, or worse, Jack Handey
            LLapp
            May 27, 2015, 1:30 pm
            Ha - david, I know the feeling.
            darkyr
            January 8, 2017, 3:16 pm
            Maybe you were under the influence of eggplants.
            Roxanne
            March 4, 2017, 2:05 am
            Ursula Le Guin is a wonderful writer. I recommend Catwings and the Left Hand of Darkness for the full range of her imagination.
            MamaB
            May 1, 2017, 5:22 am
            reader4 was amazing. I see why y'all miss her.
            abra
            July 21, 2017, 7:08 pm
            reader4 isn't here anymore? I didn't know.
            marnita
            September 3, 2017, 4:29 am
            Reader4's last appearance here was in October of 2012.
            NotTooOld
            February 20, 2018, 11:50 am
            Ursula passed away on January 22, 2018. Almost a month ago now.
            llapp
            March 1, 2019, 3:37 am
            I recall reading an exasperated comment from Reader4, asking what was the point of all his/her research if the quote errors were never corrected. I wonder if that was one of the last Reader4 comments.
            mohamm1
            February 1, 2020, 6:17 am
            USA: Land of the free and the home of the Eggplants... About 60% of the "adults," anyhow. Excessive stress KILLS imagination. Give stress relief to children. Take stress-relief days off. #AllMindsMatter.
            jbb33054
            April 12, 2020, 7:24 pm
            176
            Ian123
            March 7, 2021, 10:15 am
            All eggplants are equally foolish.
            Wordigo
            November 10, 2021, 11:48 am
            What wrong with eggplants? I love them. Baba Ganoush is my favorite.
            figmo
            December 9, 2021, 12:35 pm
            Then there's The Eggplant that Ate Chicago....

            Comment


            • "To read a book for the first time is to make the acquaintance of a new friend - to read it a second time is to meet an old one."
              — Selwyn Champion


              DuckEverlasting
              August 4, 2010, 5:17 am
              Cool name.
              SippyGirl
              September 3, 2013, 5:03 pm
              said duckeverlasting ; )
              oddcouple
              July 2, 2016, 12:01 pm
              said sippygirl
              puzzleme
              October 4, 2018, 6:28 pm
              Said oddcouple.
              Disturbed1
              March 7, 2019, 1:52 pm
              said puzzleme
              318WOZ
              May 19, 2020, 5:10 pm
              Said Disturbed1....okay, wait. I kind of hate to break the pattern, but I don't think this will end up being the old friend Champion was describing.
              jbb33054
              September 6, 2020, 10:53 pm
              53
              dj whatever
              April 9, 2021, 10:27 am
              Said 318WOZ
              LLapp
              July 17, 2021, 10:52 pm
              Whatever.
              Synonymous
              July 26, 2021, 1:49 pm
              Said LLapp. Excellent quote. I'm reading a book right now that I read back in 1966 and it is a great feeling to reacquaint myself with all the characters -- old friends.
              blueladyblue
              January 31, 2022, 6:26 pm
              And, like time with many old friends, I fell asleep after the 3rd retelling.

              Comment


              • "Censor: a self-appointed snoophound who sticks his nose in other people's business."
                — Bennett Alfred Cerf


                Lurker
                January 5, 2011, 10:14 pm
                Perhaps there should be a colon after Censor?
                matarisa
                May 3, 2011, 12:52 am
                Yes.
                justplayin
                July 29, 2011, 11:19 pm
                Yes,
                gryhnd51
                November 25, 2011, 2:24 am
                "censor" the VERB means to remove, suppress, delete, to express disapproval of. In this quote, it is NOT being used as a noun, in which case a colon would be required.
                momof7
                March 10, 2013, 7:13 am
                It makes sense either way. The lack of a colon here makes censor a verb. With a colon it would be a definition of the noun 'censor'. I think it makes more sense as a noun, but that's not the way it's given here.
                kb83
                November 14, 2014, 2:48 am
                I vote for noun and a colon.
                maradnu
                January 29, 2015, 12:19 pm
                Having a colon is handy. I'd hate to be without one.
                montyb
                June 19, 2015, 4:23 am
                Some censors are intimately acquainted with their own colons.
                Roxanne
                December 31, 2015, 4:01 am
                I bet censor is a noun and the colon is missing. It sounds like Bennett Cerf's style that way, and I doubt he would have urged censoring someone, since he won a big court case against censorship (of James Joyce's Ulysses).
                LLapp
                May 23, 2016, 2:53 pm
                ERROR: Please add a colon after "Censor" per the original quote. To verify: (link)
                ruxpin66
                November 27, 2016, 7:59 pm
                Yes, a colon would be great. I'm tired of looking at the inside of the one I've got.
                kb83
                November 30, 2016, 7:44 am
                Okay, admin. A group colonoscopy has determined that the patient needs a colon transplant.
                SippyGurl
                December 24, 2016, 6:54 am
                oh, is this how snoop dog got his name?
                thedarylscrew
                February 8, 2017, 11:34 am
                Is "snoophound" a word?
                Andy451
                May 9, 2017, 7:59 am
                And thank god for censors people! Can you imagine what kind of stuff Shakespeare would have written if he hadn't had to get all his work approved by the bishop of London? And wouldn't this country be a better place if those yahoos at SNL, The Daly Show, The Colbert Report, and The Bill Maher Show were all permanently silenced? If we just watched Fox News like the president says, almost all our problems would go away. This country would be magically transformed to how it was in the 1860s when there were no government regulations, and polluting the environment and slavery were both 100% legal. If you'd only listen, really listen to Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, Donald Tweeter, Ryan somebody, and Whitey Spence, the American Dream would be suddenly realized across the globe, even in Iran, Syria, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Algeria, and Egypt and those other countries the commander-in-chief wants to put under a travel ban. I know some of you skeptics out there will protest and say can censorship alone make our country great again, and build a paradise on earth? You betcha folks! Censorship surely did the job in North Korea. Who wouldn't want to live there? Censorship can do the same job in this country if we are only open-minded enough to give it a chance. All we are saying, is give censorship a chance!
                Fudi
                December 8, 2019, 12:21 am
                All of you have such great censors of humor!
                ernests
                April 7, 2020, 4:32 am
                This Cerf guy is no Ambrose Bierce.
                Wordigo
                September 16, 2020, 3:57 pm
                Colon censor treatment is colonectomy. If he is lucky, it may leave the censor with a semicolon, otherwise, with a period.

                Comment


                • "There is no 'I' in TEAM, But there is an I in Win "
                  — Unattributed


                  kat
                  March 22, 2009, 5:12 pm
                  There's no "I" in TEAM, but there IS a "me".
                  tabbyclaw
                  April 13, 2011, 5:59 am
                  If there is no 'I' in team, and there is no 'U' in team, then just who is on this team?
                  kb77
                  September 9, 2011, 5:02 pm
                  meat. thats who (what). when i heard this quote it was "but there is an i in victory.
                  dominicclust
                  May 30, 2012, 3:36 pm
                  There is no "I" in TEAM, but who cares? Athletes don't need to know how to spell.
                  WRQ9
                  November 23, 2012, 6:14 pm
                  There's a "U" in turn, but you will be left alone.
                  Lurker
                  August 7, 2013, 6:56 pm
                  And if you turn back "time", you get "emit".
                  kb83
                  August 12, 2015, 7:06 am
                  There is "ME" in "TEAM".
                  skeeter
                  August 26, 2015, 3:18 pm
                  tabbyclaw, you made me laugh out loud.
                  BriddlesBob
                  December 1, 2015, 5:22 am
                  But there is an "I" in Gipper!
                  YorkiesRule
                  February 8, 2017, 2:44 am
                  Hey, I reached my personal record in almost 3 years of cryptograms - 12 seconds!
                  skeeter
                  March 23, 2017, 7:20 am
                  Tabby, I'm still laughing.
                  skeeter
                  April 20, 2017, 6:13 am
                  9 seconds and still nowhere near nanrich.
                  viktoria
                  May 26, 2018, 5:35 am
                  But there is an "I" in bite me.
                  Persephone59
                  April 25, 2019, 2:15 am
                  Thank you, Viktoria. Enough of this team talk.
                  abra
                  December 29, 2019, 2:40 am
                  LOL, viktoria! Fly the W!!
                  bigdave
                  August 4, 2020, 2:32 pm
                  Who's on first, tabby?
                  darkyr
                  October 4, 2022, 2:46 pm
                  I guess we are all better off being part of a unit.

                  Comment


                  • Astrologers are agreed that the squiggles called a horoscope contain some sort of message to be decoded."
                    — Dennis Elwell

                    WRQ9
                    March 20, 2012, 12:35 am
                    Trending, if you ain't doin' it you ain't modern!
                    mikehallbackhoe
                    August 1, 2014, 4:12 am
                    squiggles took me awhile
                    LLapp
                    February 26, 2015, 4:00 pm
                    Very weird quote.
                    mtvoyager
                    March 17, 2015, 9:50 am
                    49 seconds.
                    oddcouple
                    November 5, 2016, 7:17 pm
                    No wonder Elwell made such a stupid comment. He was a British astrologer. Need we say more?
                    SippyGurl
                    February 10, 2017, 9:45 am
                    oh, i thought it was a funny
                    ruxpin66
                    May 14, 2018, 2:00 pm
                    I kind of thought it was funny until I read oddcouple's comment that Elwell was, himself, an astrologer.
                    Eureka
                    November 27, 2018, 11:24 am
                    "Squiggles" sounds very scientific.
                    maradnu
                    August 8, 2019, 11:14 pm
                    Astrology is about as scientific as squiggles
                    abra
                    August 13, 2019, 2:50 am
                    In my quote the code for that was abra. I think that's the first time that's happened in 10 years.
                    Deanna48
                    August 23, 2019, 6:27 pm
                    ^awesome!!
                    imported_bees
                    January 18, 2020, 8:54 pm
                    It was meant to be Abra Written in the code of the universe.
                    Wordigo
                    August 8, 2021, 11:38 am
                    Squinting at squiggles helps read the horoscope.
                    jukk888
                    January 22, 2022, 2:07 am
                    "Squiggles" slowed me down.
                    maradnu
                    October 8, 2022, 11:58 pm
                    The squiggles say 'if you believe this nonsense, you're a schmuck'.

                    Comment


                    • "Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month." — Wernher von Braun

                      wvwoman
                      January 17, 2013, 6:47 am
                      what?

                      WRQ9
                      August 14, 2013, 11:26 pm
                      Getting nine women pregnant before you crash requires a concentrated effort, at some point it may help to let the first baby drive.

                      abra
                      July 14, 2014, 1:19 pm
                      I don't understand, AT ALL.

                      abra
                      April 6, 2016, 2:03 pm
                      On second thought, WRQ9's comment is hilarious. I think.

                      abra
                      June 13, 2016, 2:32 pm
                      On third thought too. Very funny, WRQ9.

                      Highpoint
                      December 31, 2016, 5:51 pm
                      It's kind of like saying that if it takes a car an hour to get somewhere, then two cars could get there in 30 minutes.

                      maradnu
                      November 4, 2017, 2:30 pm
                      I think he meant that with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby IN a month.

                      highbrow
                      November 17, 2017, 4:32 am
                      If you get nine women pregnant at once I guarantee you the fun part is over.

                      Comment


                      • "True happiness comes from doing what's right, not just doing what makes you feel good. " — Unattributed

                        geeko321
                        August 15, 2013, 6:43 pm
                        Shouldn't there be a comma between "right" and "not"?

                        LLapp
                        November 6, 2014, 4:45 pm
                        Yes. Error: Please add a comma after "right."

                        kb83
                        April 7, 2015, 11:31 am
                        But wouldn't adding a comma just feel good?

                        abra
                        July 17, 2015, 3:54 pm
                        LOL, kb83.

                        marnita
                        November 8, 2015, 12:04 pm
                        Adding a comma would be doing what's right.

                        LLapp
                        February 3, 2019, 12:53 pm
                        The righteous Baron has added a comma.

                        imsoeasy
                        February 12, 2019, 3:56 pm
                        The Comma Cons got their way.

                        No2son
                        March 1, 2019, 10:50 pm
                        Comma,comma, down doobie do down down!

                        Comment


                        • "Never ask a favor of someone until they have had their dinner. "
                          — Unattributed


                          montyb
                          May 1, 2012, 5:50 pm
                          For good measure, also give them part of yours.
                          Lily H
                          August 16, 2013, 9:43 pm
                          Don't forget to bring the dessert.
                          puzzler86
                          April 21, 2014, 4:41 pm
                          54 seconds
                          abra
                          January 4, 2015, 3:50 pm
                          Are you through? Would you mind just doin' the dishes?
                          Spenser
                          February 5, 2015, 6:19 am
                          "Could you look at this lesion on my butt and tell me if it looks infected?"
                          BriddlesBob
                          November 4, 2015, 12:50 am
                          or until they have a "winner."
                          darkyr
                          February 8, 2017, 3:05 am
                          Doc already said your butt's gonna fall off. Now pass me the gravy.

                          Comment


                          • "If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old."
                            — Edgar Watson Howe


                            maradnu
                            May 21, 2017, 2:44 pm
                            Howe did he come to that conclusion?
                            writeon
                            February 14, 2018, 4:07 pm
                            This quote is nothing to laugh at.
                            DrCryptell
                            June 2, 2018, 10:47 pm
                            When I'm old I'll cry all day and all night so I won't have any time to laugh.
                            Persephone59
                            September 18, 2018, 4:52 pm
                            DrCryptell, you are going to have one stuffed-up nose.
                            Wordigo
                            December 19, 2021, 12:05 pm
                            This is why, we, as kids, make troubles just for laughs. And then, when we get older and have grandchildren, the troubles catch up with us.
                            DaddyOmar
                            July 11, 2022, 6:08 pm
                            You will remember all the crazy things you did

                            Comment


                            • "Until three years ago, that was my definition of a celebrity: somebody who gets to ride around in a zamboni." — Justin Bieber

                              countessofmontecry
                              November 13, 2011, 12:04 am
                              That's funny ... mine too!

                              maradnu
                              November 15, 2013, 7:58 am
                              Now he is someone who hires Brazilian prostitutes - and others too, in all likelihood.

                              momof7
                              January 12, 2014, 9:27 am
                              After skating with my boys, we always wait around to watch the zamboni.

                              abra
                              July 25, 2015, 9:32 am
                              My daughter-in-law got to ride on the Zamboni, at a hockey game.

                              plazz
                              October 22, 2016, 2:48 am
                              What's a zamboni for heaven's sake??

                              Persephone59
                              April 16, 2017, 8:39 pm
                              I looked it up... hockey's not a thing here in Portland... and Tanya Harding ruined ice skating... but a Zamboni is a machine for resurfacing ice for rinks so it's smooth.

                              imsoeasy
                              November 11, 2018, 5:23 am
                              That clears that up. A Zamboni is not a Brazilian prostitute.

                              badbob
                              October 5, 2019, 3:20 am
                              tell that to Consuela Zamboni

                              autumngirl
                              December 14, 2020, 8:01 pm
                              I can always count on Bob!

                              Comment


                              • "A true philosopher is like an elephant; he never puts the second foot down until the first one is solidly in place."
                                — Fontenelle


                                montyb
                                June 24, 2012, 12:33 am
                                I thought he was going to say large and plodding; trampling anything in the way.
                                tjsrc
                                December 5, 2013, 9:47 am
                                With a long nose and sparse hair. As well as able to uproot trees easily.
                                LLapp
                                May 7, 2015, 10:23 am
                                And seven sets of teeth.
                                kb83
                                March 30, 2016, 4:05 am
                                And never forgets? And goes to a "philosopher graveyard"? And says "tusk, tusk"?
                                BriddlesBob
                                February 16, 2017, 5:03 pm
                                and works for peanuts
                                MamaB
                                April 17, 2017, 7:25 am
                                :-)
                                lertsek
                                March 12, 2018, 8:40 pm
                                Cools himself with his ears and uses his nose to bathe.
                                vintage38
                                March 21, 2018, 5:16 am
                                36 seconds
                                Persephone59
                                May 27, 2018, 4:22 am
                                You guys are making me want to go to the zoo. They have a wonderful elephant enclosure here in Portland.
                                MissKitty
                                September 24, 2018, 5:07 am
                                Kilroy 26
                                kb83
                                March 21, 2019, 5:38 pm
                                And sees a lot of gray areas.
                                bigdave
                                February 13, 2020, 2:42 pm
                                Like one of my favorite fictional characters, Stephen Maturin,Fontenelle was a "natural philosopher", so quote refers to scientists.
                                Elephino
                                July 4, 2020, 1:03 pm
                                Y'all remind me of "The Blind Men and the Elephant"
                                abra
                                July 28, 2021, 2:11 am
                                Cracking poor clowns dressed as peanuts.
                                badbob
                                November 12, 2021, 5:15 am
                                i am thinking of the episode of the Mary Tyler Moore show where Chuckles the clown was stomped to death by an elephant because he was dressed like a peanut
                                montyb
                                April 9, 2022, 6:51 pm
                                Persephone, do they have a philosopher enclosure, too?
                                Eureka
                                October 11, 2022, 2:34 pm
                                ^You'll find those at most universities.

                                Comment

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